Was watching Kill Bill the other day. The Whole Bloody Affair. How Tarantino intended. What a flick man. I find myself enjoying this film more and more with each viewing. (Decided to drop “film” here. Usually a “movie” guy, but I’m on Substack. Fuck it.)
My favorite part of the movie film is the Lucy Liu gang fight sequence. For those of you who haven’t seen it, Uma Thurman’s character takes down like 50 of these sword-bearing, suit-wearing gang members. They’re all clearly no match for her, but still! There are so many; one wrong Move and she’s done. Mixed in with this flock of gang members are 2 “bosses”. Gotta drop the “boss” video game terminology because that’s exactly what it feels like. Rip through a couple NPCs and now it’s time for a challenge. Spoiler alert, she takes them down as well. Takes a little damage, but fuck man… this level looks hard as shit.
She finally reaches the main boss, Lucy Liu. (I’m terrible with character names and really don’t feel like looking it up right now.) More damage, quick fight, she reigns victorious.
To stay in that video game lane, this would be the type of level that would give you nightmares as a kid. We’re talking 20+ attempts before you get any sort of feel. The anger, the disappointment… would all be worth it once you finally got that dub. Meanwhile, our girl Beatrix Kiddo did it in one take.
Like all great cinema characters (moved on to cinema now, holy chills), I felt a connection with Beatrix. Was rooting for her and her revenge. Was able to put myself in her shoes, feel a pinch of the wrath and anger that was flowing through her veins. Also, after accomplishing a task like this… Hewh, must’ve been thrilling. That post-shower couch sit must’ve been incredible. “Should I be lazy and get DoorDash?” Fuck yeah. You deserve everything. Type of order you don’t even look at the price. Delivery fees, service fees, who gives a fuck… I deserve this.
They didn’t show what Beatrix did or where she went immediately after the fight. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean fuck, I’ve run two half marathons, and that steak and those 5 beers I drank afterwards felt like some hardcore drug I’ve never experienced before.
Taco Bell? Chic-Fil-A? Some local burger spot? Add some things on the way? “Yeah… Could use a Gatorade. Couple band-aids too.” Decides to hop in her car, drive to the walkable liquor store. “Bout to time this bitch perfectly.” Two tall boys. a Häagen-Dazs bar. She’s back at her place, driver’s 10 out. Plate’s set up, couple paper towels, extra ketchup to her right. Little scroll through YouTube, “Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique How To.”
Knock, knock
Bro, I couldn’t imagine that first bite. I hope she got extra large everything. I hope she crushed it all. I hope after she got done with that XL root beer that that Modelo tall boy hit the fucking spot. I hope she got a nice healthy buzz. I hope she got the urge to watch her favorite movie without any sort of “I should really expand my content consumption” guilt.
Doze off on the couch. Wake up to the sight of Netflix’s home screen.
“It’s noon?”
Food coma. Out for 12 straight hours.
She earned that shit.
- Bobby D