I Need to Find a Way to Become a Top Chef Judge.

Feel like I fucked up man. Now don’t get me wrong, I dig my job and enjoy my life, but damn man… People get paid to eat food and give their opinion. Should’ve gone that route. What the hell was I thinking? Riding my bike around and smoking Black and Milds at the middle school like some chill ass 16-year-old. I should’ve been writing food reviews and coming up with witty ways to describe undercooked fish. I should’ve known better. Could’ve had 8 dishes coming at me per night.

Maybe it’s not too late. Everyone loves an underdog story. Be the Rudy or Mark Whalberg in that one football movie and shock the world. “From Substack to the Most Exclusive Table in the Dining World.” Reads the 2029 November Edition of Food and Wine Magazine.

Could start writing food reviews again, that’s right, I said again. Your boy used to absolutely RIP reviews back in the day. But what if I write a bunch of food reviews and it doesn’t get me anywhere? Never get bumped up to the majors and in the judges’ chair. Would be a complete waste of time… It’s not like I’d be writing these reviews for the love of the game. I’m exclusively doing this so I can sit down in a chair, get served a bunch of food, get paid, repeat.

I’m also not looking to “shoot for the moon and graze the stars” bullshit. Nah… it’s food judge or bust. “You know my dream job was always to be a Pit Master’s BBQ judge. That obviously didn’t work out, but now I own my own BBQ joint!” Nah… It’s giggling with Tom and Gail or bust.

Where do you even apply? Think there’s an Indeed job application that pops up every 10 years:

“Bravo”

“Food Judge”

“Our reality TV division is looking for someone to be our next judge on Top Chef.”

“You’ll get served exquisite food, give your opinion on how it tastes, and yes, you’ll be paid actual money to do this.”

“Must have an extensive background in food and be comfortable on camera.”

Not sure if I can rely on Indeed or LinkedIn here. Might have to take the “get my foot in the door” route. Get to know people, start rubbing elbows with some higher-ups, sabotage my way to the top. Eh… quitting my job and moving would be kind of a grind. Especially with no guarantee of becoming a judge.

Damn man. Be cool if there was like a lottery to see who the next judge was. Somehow rig it. Wouldn’t have to put in a whole lot of effort there, which would be kind of sick.

I guess I could start a TikTok of me reviewing food. Bring a little comedy to it, skim a thesaraus before hand and drop all sorts of cool adjectives. “Umm… Not sure how I got here, but immediately followed,” says Gracie2163. It’s 2.5 scrolls deep in the comment section, but it does have 1 like, which is dope. Top comment is, unfortunately, “Aren’t you a little too old for content like this?” 362 likes.

They’re not going to TikTok to find their next judge you dumb fuck. You gotta… Well, I don’t know what I have to do. Be a tall, good-looking woman, or an aging semi-retired chef, or hey… they have guest judges on all the time. Yeah dude, I could work my clout up with the sole purpose of becoming a guest judge for an episode. “We have guest judge Bobby Dolan, who’s a Maryland native and certainly knows his way around a crabcake.” “I most certainly do, Kristen.’ Laughs

Now I’m doing it. On set, critiquing crab cake after crab cake, dropping killer adjectives, charming similies, was that a Cal Ripken reference? This guy’s good. “Thanks for having me. Would love to do this again sometime.”

18 hours later. “Hey Bobby. This is Kristen. Tom is way too sick to judge tonight. Are you available?”

“Hey Bobby. This is Kristen again. Tom has been let go. He sent a wild email to our President and CEO. He swears it wasn’t him. He keeps saying he was hacked, but the decision has been made. Tom’s out. Would you like to not only finish the season with us but become our next full-time judge?

Bang.

- Bobby D