Catch me hoppin’ on a tour bus of my own city. Fuck it. Some tourist ass website/app. Ticket for one please. Solo piece. A Sprite Zero topped off with two shooters of Tito’s.
Sometimes you need a different view, different set of eyes. Cut to Robin Williams standing on a desk in Dead Poets Society.
I’m up top. Feeling the sun beat down on my soon-to-be burnt neck. Black shirt and charcoal jeans were a bad choice. I’m surrounded by newcomers from all over. I hear an English accent, different languages. Phones are out, photos are taken. They’re on vacation, taking in the sights and sounds that I’ve become numb to.
A sense of “hometown” pride begins to waft over me. They’re so interested. Interested in a place where I live. Hmm… Maybe this place isn’t bad after all!!” Haven’t had this feeling since 2016.
Dude starts rippin’ off a little history. Big. Couple tidbits of downtown never hurt nobody. I’m also a sucker for dumb tour guide jokes.
“That used to be the biggest seafood port in the United States?” Wow. Look at it now… Filled with rigged carnival games and influencers asking bystanders if they’d prefer to have a gay son or thot daughter.
History’s got you jaded. You start imagining yourself on the mic, pointing out your favorite dive bars. “They got Heineken on tap over there. You don’t see that much anymore!”
You zone out the history. Start reminiscing about the days when you first touched down in this historic city. Not only was the city alive and thriving, but so were you. Carving out your path: wins, losses, triumphs, mistakes. This place is scattered with ’em.
“Oh man. West 4th and Jane. Used to rip it there all the time.” Now it’s vacated. Call Brendan Cohen for lease.
“Used to be my date spot right there.” Now it’s transitioning to a Taco Bell Cantina.
“Used to go to that Wendy’s after every sketch show. What a time…” Now it looks like the homeless/drug addict HQ. “Haven’t we raised taxes twice to help the homeless situation? It’s clearly getting worse. Bro, what the fuck does our local government even do?”
Now every blemish has you fired up. It’s all adding up: why you moved, why you stopped going out here, why you only step foot in this city to clock in and out.
As you trot down the stairs of the big red double-decker tour bus, you start wondering if you’re capable of leading a revolution. Or if it’s even worth it.
- Bobby D
once upon a time considered getting a side gig as a tour guide for this high